Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Wanting & Missing

Some posts are more difficult to write than others, some just seem to write themselves, others area fight to put into words.  This is one of those, I want to write it, but I just cant seem to find the words.

Two weeks ago I woke up feeling really awful, hot sweaty and with horrible pains in my tummy, lucky for me my other half happened to be at home and he suggested we take a quick trip to A & E, he was sure it sounded like my appendix.  I was pretty sure the staff at A& E were going to be sick of the sight of me, since smurf had been there twice the week before with a broken wrist, but the pain was really so bad that I was willing to risk it.  We dropped smurf off at my mums and drove to our local hospital, which was surprisingly empty at 6.30am, so we were seen pretty quickly.

The nurse asked a few questions had a feel at my tummy and then asked if there was a chance that I may be pregnant, and my answer was honestly no, I had no symptoms of pregnancy, no morning sickness, nothing , but she decided to take a test just to be on the safe side.  When it came back positive I am not sure who was more surprised me or my other half but as she said the words I just knew instantly that there was something wrong.  It didn't feel like it had when I was pregnant with smurf or when I had been pregnant before, I was worried immediately about the fact that I had been drinking a couple of times over the previous couple of weeks.  The nurse was really lovely and tried to reassure us that it was probably nothing and that every pregnancy felt different,but she was going to send us to the early pregnancy unit so they could take some bloods for hormone levels and perhaps an internal scan (that really is as bad as it sounds).

In the unit we were seen by  doctor who took some blood and also performed the internal scan, he was very straight forward and quite abrupt, said although my levels were up they were not as high as they should be with a normal pregnancy and he was really not able to see anything conclusive on the scan, he would get someone else to look at it later in the day and possible get me to come back the next morning for more bloods to check the hormone levels again.  That was it we were sent home, still in a lot of pain, told to take paracetamols and rest.

Hubby and I went home and I went back to bed, unable to sleep as the pain really was pretty bad, we had probably been home about4 hours when the hospital called asking us to come back, which we did. My bloods were taken again and I was then seen by a sonographer who did another internal scan, she had only just started when she was able to confirm to us that there was an ectopic pregnancy there and that she would get a doctor to come and speak to us.  At this point I did start to cry, I had been telling myself that there was something wrong, but when it was actually confirmed I just felt awful.  I had not known I was pregnant but the moment I knew that I couldn't have the baby that I didn't even know was there I was devastated.

The doctor explained to us that I needed surgery and they needed to do it as soon as possible, I was actually in surgery within 3 hours, but by the time I got to theater the pregnancy had ruptured and it was a bit touch and go for a little while, I was pretty ill and in hospital for 4 days, which is why I haven't been around for a while.

I had previously resigned myself to not having anymore children because of a few problems I have, but in that little while between being told I was pregnant and being told that it was not a "viable pregnancy", I must admit I had started to hope a little bit to hold a tiny little baby again, I know its not to be but its amazing how much you can miss something you didn't even know you wanted.

I know I am lucky to have one beautiful, healthy child and I am thankful for that.

Its taken me a little while to be feeling up to blogging but I know getting this out will be good.  I'm sorry I didn't get to make it to "cybermummy", I just didn't feel up to it, but I hope threes another and I get the chance to meet you all then.

If you suffer or have suffered and ectopic pregnancy The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust offer lots of help and information, you can find them here www.ectopic.org.uk.


  1. Oh my love, I'm so so sorry. That must have been difficult to write about, but I hope it has helped you to put it into words. One day we will meet up, but in the meantime you'll have to make do with virtual hugs xxx

  2. Such sad news, I'm so sorry to read this has happened to you. It's one thing to recover physically from what you've been through, and another to recover emotionally. Sending you ((hugs)) x

  3. Oh Lorraine - how frightening and sad and fast it all was - thinking of you and so glad you're physically fine.

    I think us up in the North all need a wee informal Scottish meet-up since we're so remote from all the partying - I'm going to get onto it as soon as I'm back from my hols :)

  4. Sandy - I dit help and I am sure we will meet soon, thanks for the virtual hug.

    Emily - Thats true Emily, but at least I have smurf to bring a smile to my face.

    Mrs W - It was very fast, and you are right us scots need a good old fashioned knees up - scottish styleee. Have a fab holiday.

  5. Very sorry to hear this. I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2004 and it was an awful experience. I lost a fallopian tube and was lucky to survive, as it had ruptured.

    It is a physically gruelling thing to go through, but emotionally quite strange, too. It's somehow different from a 'normal' miscarriage, especially if you come close to dying, perhaps. I felt a lot of guilt about surviving, even though the baby obviously wouldn't have survived anyway. It must be doubly strange having not known you were pregnant.

    Anyway, I wish your recovery is speedy - both physical and emotional.

  6. Oh my love, I am days behind on my reader and I have only just read your post. Piran was a suspected ectopic pregnancy and the three days that we had to wait to find out for sure were horrible, I am so sorry that your tale had the opposite ending to ours. Big hugs xxx

  7. Oh, I have only just seen this. I hope you and your family are ok.

    Wishing you well and hoping you find stregth and coutage to deal with your phyisical and emotional recovery.

    Huge hugs.