Wanting & Missing

Some posts are more difficult to write than others, some just seem to write themselves, others area fight to put into words.  This is one of those, I want to write it, but I just cant seem to find the words.

Two weeks ago I woke up feeling really awful, hot sweaty and with horrible pains in my tummy, lucky for me my other half happened to be at home and he suggested we take a quick trip to A & E, he was sure it sounded like my appendix.  I was pretty sure the staff at A& E were going to be sick of the sight of me, since smurf had been there twice the week before with a broken wrist, but the pain was really so bad that I was willing to risk it.  We dropped smurf off at my mums and drove to our local hospital, which was surprisingly empty at 6.30am, so we were seen pretty quickly.

The nurse asked a few questions had a feel at my tummy and then asked if there was a chance that I may be pregnant, and my answer was honestly no, I had no symptoms of pregnancy, no morning sickness, nothing , but she decided to take a test just to be on the safe side.  When it came back positive I am not sure who was more surprised me or my other half but as she said the words I just knew instantly that there was something wrong.  It didn't feel like it had when I was pregnant with smurf or when I had been pregnant before, I was worried immediately about the fact that I had been drinking a couple of times over the previous couple of weeks.  The nurse was really lovely and tried to reassure us that it was probably nothing and that every pregnancy felt different,but she was going to send us to the early pregnancy unit so they could take some bloods for hormone levels and perhaps an internal scan (that really is as bad as it sounds).

In the unit we were seen by  doctor who took some blood and also performed the internal scan, he was very straight forward and quite abrupt, said although my levels were up they were not as high as they should be with a normal pregnancy and he was really not able to see anything conclusive on the scan, he would get someone else to look at it later in the day and possible get me to come back the next morning for more bloods to check the hormone levels again.  That was it we were sent home, still in a lot of pain, told to take paracetamols and rest.

Hubby and I went home and I went back to bed, unable to sleep as the pain really was pretty bad, we had probably been home about4 hours when the hospital called asking us to come back, which we did. My bloods were taken again and I was then seen by a sonographer who did another internal scan, she had only just started when she was able to confirm to us that there was an ectopic pregnancy there and that she would get a doctor to come and speak to us.  At this point I did start to cry, I had been telling myself that there was something wrong, but when it was actually confirmed I just felt awful.  I had not known I was pregnant but the moment I knew that I couldn't have the baby that I didn't even know was there I was devastated.

The doctor explained to us that I needed surgery and they needed to do it as soon as possible, I was actually in surgery within 3 hours, but by the time I got to theater the pregnancy had ruptured and it was a bit touch and go for a little while, I was pretty ill and in hospital for 4 days, which is why I haven't been around for a while.

I had previously resigned myself to not having anymore children because of a few problems I have, but in that little while between being told I was pregnant and being told that it was not a "viable pregnancy", I must admit I had started to hope a little bit to hold a tiny little baby again, I know its not to be but its amazing how much you can miss something you didn't even know you wanted.

I know I am lucky to have one beautiful, healthy child and I am thankful for that.

Its taken me a little while to be feeling up to blogging but I know getting this out will be good.  I'm sorry I didn't get to make it to "cybermummy", I just didn't feel up to it, but I hope threes another and I get the chance to meet you all then.

If you suffer or have suffered and ectopic pregnancy The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust offer lots of help and information, you can find them here www.ectopic.org.uk.