Where has the Time Gone??????

God I cant believe how long its been since I posted on this blog, July 2010, seems like forever ago, actually it is forever ago.  So much has changed in my life since then, I have had a long blogging and twitter holiday, but today I felt like I needed to come and post something again.

I have talked before about wanting more kids and not being able to have any and over the last few weeks this has become a complete reality to me.  On the 1st March I had to have a hysterectomy and that mean for me there really is no possibility of ever having any more little sprogglets.  I am still of work at the moment recovering and getting to spend lots of time with my little Smurf who is growing like a weed and will be 6 in July ( I can hardly believe it).

What has surprised me the most since I had the surgery is that my longing for children rather than getting worse has gotten a lot easier to deal with, I think that before there was always that outside possibility that it just might happen and so that fed into my want, now that the possibility is no longer there I have found that I am suddenly much more able to deal with it, and not thinking about it constantly.  This for me has been one o the up sides of the surgery, and believe me even though my consultant tells me there are loads of upsides I am struggling 4 weeks post op to find them, good job I have a good sense of humour.

I do think after my long holiday I am going to come back to blogging, I missed the friends I made there and the little bits of writing I got to do about me and smurf, as well as the slightly cathartic feeling that blogging gives you.

So that's me I'm Baackkkkkkk.

Happy Birthday Smurf!!!!

My little man turned 4 today, and I'm not quite sure how it happened.  I'm sure someone has done something to that time space continuum thingy that they talk about in "Back to the Future" and speeded up the years.

It seems like only yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital, brand new and dependant on us for everything, now he is so independent its sometimes scary, he now longer needs mummy or daddy to do so many things for him.

I am so proud of the happy, thoughtful and kind little boy he is becoming and the new things he learns everyday, but I must admit sometimes I long to hold that brand new little life in my arms again.

So happy birthday Smurf, love you millions!!!

The Gallery - Holidays

This week Tara over at Sticky Fingers has challenged us to post pictures of a favorite holiday.  Holidays are great, who doesn't love some time spent relaxing, in the sun with your favorite people?

The picture I have chosen is from the first holiday abroad that we took smurf on, he was 14 months old and we took him to Cancun, and had a fantastic time, smurf loved it, but surprisingly the picture is not of smurf( I know I thought you might be sick of pictures of my child) or even of my or the other half, it is in fact of an absolutely perfect sunset on the lagoon, its just perfect.

Cant wait to see the pictures that everyone else chooses its so nice to be nosey and take a peek at everyone else's holidays.  Go on over and be nosey too!!!!!

Wanting & Missing

Some posts are more difficult to write than others, some just seem to write themselves, others area fight to put into words.  This is one of those, I want to write it, but I just cant seem to find the words.

Two weeks ago I woke up feeling really awful, hot sweaty and with horrible pains in my tummy, lucky for me my other half happened to be at home and he suggested we take a quick trip to A & E, he was sure it sounded like my appendix.  I was pretty sure the staff at A& E were going to be sick of the sight of me, since smurf had been there twice the week before with a broken wrist, but the pain was really so bad that I was willing to risk it.  We dropped smurf off at my mums and drove to our local hospital, which was surprisingly empty at 6.30am, so we were seen pretty quickly.

The nurse asked a few questions had a feel at my tummy and then asked if there was a chance that I may be pregnant, and my answer was honestly no, I had no symptoms of pregnancy, no morning sickness, nothing , but she decided to take a test just to be on the safe side.  When it came back positive I am not sure who was more surprised me or my other half but as she said the words I just knew instantly that there was something wrong.  It didn't feel like it had when I was pregnant with smurf or when I had been pregnant before, I was worried immediately about the fact that I had been drinking a couple of times over the previous couple of weeks.  The nurse was really lovely and tried to reassure us that it was probably nothing and that every pregnancy felt different,but she was going to send us to the early pregnancy unit so they could take some bloods for hormone levels and perhaps an internal scan (that really is as bad as it sounds).

In the unit we were seen by  doctor who took some blood and also performed the internal scan, he was very straight forward and quite abrupt, said although my levels were up they were not as high as they should be with a normal pregnancy and he was really not able to see anything conclusive on the scan, he would get someone else to look at it later in the day and possible get me to come back the next morning for more bloods to check the hormone levels again.  That was it we were sent home, still in a lot of pain, told to take paracetamols and rest.

Hubby and I went home and I went back to bed, unable to sleep as the pain really was pretty bad, we had probably been home about4 hours when the hospital called asking us to come back, which we did. My bloods were taken again and I was then seen by a sonographer who did another internal scan, she had only just started when she was able to confirm to us that there was an ectopic pregnancy there and that she would get a doctor to come and speak to us.  At this point I did start to cry, I had been telling myself that there was something wrong, but when it was actually confirmed I just felt awful.  I had not known I was pregnant but the moment I knew that I couldn't have the baby that I didn't even know was there I was devastated.

The doctor explained to us that I needed surgery and they needed to do it as soon as possible, I was actually in surgery within 3 hours, but by the time I got to theater the pregnancy had ruptured and it was a bit touch and go for a little while, I was pretty ill and in hospital for 4 days, which is why I haven't been around for a while.

I had previously resigned myself to not having anymore children because of a few problems I have, but in that little while between being told I was pregnant and being told that it was not a "viable pregnancy", I must admit I had started to hope a little bit to hold a tiny little baby again, I know its not to be but its amazing how much you can miss something you didn't even know you wanted.

I know I am lucky to have one beautiful, healthy child and I am thankful for that.

Its taken me a little while to be feeling up to blogging but I know getting this out will be good.  I'm sorry I didn't get to make it to "cybermummy", I just didn't feel up to it, but I hope threes another and I get the chance to meet you all then.

If you suffer or have suffered and ectopic pregnancy The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust offer lots of help and information, you can find them here www.ectopic.org.uk.

Writing Workshop - A Poem

I am going to post this before I have the chance to change my mind, the last time I wrote any poetry was at junior school, and it was probably as terrible as this one is but hey ho the prompt spoke to me.

So here it is my entry for this weeks brilliant writing workshop held by Josie at Sleep is for the weak.  I chose prompt number five - Time.

Time

They say it heals

I’m not so sure

It speeds away so fast its blinding

It creeps along so slow its painful

It drags you forward and leaves you breathless

Making memories of what is past

Leaving behind another life

Taking you to a new horizon

Building a history and new beginnings

Life's little clock

Always ticking.



Go on over and see the other much more brilliant entries that have been posted by some brilliant bloggers.

Lazy Morning Cuddles

I love lazy weekend mornings, because I work and my other half works away during the week, mornings are always a real rush for Smurf and I, we both have to be ready and out the door by 8.00am. I drop Smurf off at his grannies on my way to work and then I spend the next 5 hours dealing with HR issues.

But Saturdays are different, Saturday mornings are all about Smurf climbing into our bed and us all spending half an hour watching cartoons and drinking tea and eating toast in bed, they are all about spending time together as a family.

I love those special moments, when Smurf is still all sleepy and cuddly, when I can pretend that he is not growing like a weed and will soon not want the cuddles and kisses from his mummy and daddy.

Isn't it funny that before we moved into this house that we now live in, which was around January, Smurf would not sleep in his own bed for a whole night, and I despaired about ever having a full nights sleep, now he quite happily sleeps all night in his own bed without complaint and I yearn for those sleepy cuddles...some people are never happy.!!

A Late Gallery Entry - Still Life

This week Tara gave us the prompt of "Still Life" for the gallery.

I am late this week. smurf and I have both been ill so my apologies for the delay.  My entry is photos I took of some flower my other half bought me a few weeks ago, well technically I bought them I just used his money, anyway the colour was just so beautiful I found my camera just leaped into my hand and these are 2 of the results beautiful pink roses and tulips.

Go on over and have a look at what everyone else take on "still life" is.